Helping Your Daughter with ADD (ADHD) to Feel Good About
Herself
Kathleen G. Nadeau, Ph.D.
For most boys with ADD (ADHD), parents, teachers and professionals
struggle to get them to sit down, be quiet, and pay attention.
Ironically, for many girls with ADD (ADHD), they need help
to stand up and be heard! Their ADD (ADHD) is bothering them
more than it's bothering their parents and teachers. Certainly
there are some girls with ADD (ADHD) who are active, argumentative
or defiant, but many more girls struggle with issues such
as:
-
not feeling liked and accepted by other girls,;
-
worries that they can't keep up with all that is expected
of them;
-
fears that their teacher will become angry at them,
-
dread that they will be embarrassed in class; and
-
a sense of being pummeled by criticisms and corrections
every day,
These issues often lead to low self-esteem that may later
develop into clinical depression or an anxiety disorder.
Some girls with ADD (ADHD) begin to have social problems
as early as preschool. By elementary school years, the self-esteem
of most girls with ADD (ADHD) has taken a battering.
Why is having ADD (ADHD) often harder on girls? ADD (ADHD)
symptoms are more congruent with stereotypes of boys. Boys
aren't expected to like school; it's not a surprise when a
boy is loud, aggressive or defiant; boys aren't expected to
be neat, orderly or always polite. In fact, some studies have
shown that boys with ADD (ADHD) are admired by other boys
for ADD (ADHD)-related traits.
But while "boys will be boys", girls are expected
to be "young ladies" - i.e., compliant, considerate,
and self-controlled. They are expected to be good listeners,
not to interrupt, grab, or push. When a girl has trouble conforming
to those expectations, when she doesn't fit in with other
girls her age, when she is frequently corrected and criticized
by parents and teachers, she begins to feel badly about herself
at an early age.
ADD (ADHD) has a "bad name" in many circles. Some
parents, with the best of intentions, reject the "ADD
(ADHD) label" for their daughter fearing the label will
only make her struggles worse. And even when parents seek
diagnosis and treatment, many girls, reject the ADD (ADHD)
label. "I can't have ADD (ADHD)! I'm nothing like 'those
boys' who are hyper, who are always in trouble and do poorly
in school."
Work to increase your daughter's self-esteem and confidence.
To help your daughter with ADD (ADHD) to feel good about
herself, it's important to teach her about ADD (ADHD) from
a positive, constructive perspective. Elementary school aged
girls with ADD (ADHD) need to understand how they are impacted
by ADD (ADHD) in a way that will allow them to feel good about
themselves at the same time.
Because there are few positive role models for girls with
ADD (ADHD), we commissioned Barbara Roberts, a teacher and
children's writer, to write The Adventures of Phoebe Flower
to provide girls with a realistic, but positive image of a
girl with ADD (ADHD). This four-book series is suitable for
girls ages 8-11. In the course of these four highly engaging,
kid-tested books, Phoebe goes from second to fourth grade
- with many adventures and misadventures along the way. A
loveable, loyal, spunky, and creative girl - Phoebe is a girl
that your daughter with ADD (ADHD) will both identify with
and admire. Your daughter may not want to be lumped in with
"those boys with ADD" but she'll feel proud to be
a girl like Phoebe.
Reading the Phoebe series together with your daughter will
help her feel supported and understood as you learn together
what it means to be a girl with ADD (ADHD).
Give her a chance to tell you what ADD (ADHD) is like,
from her perspective.
A good way to begin a heart-to-heart talk with your daughter
is to use the brief questionnaire we've designed for personal,
family use available on this same ADDvance.com website. (ADD
(ADHD) Checklist for Girls) These questions aren't meant
to be diagnostic, but rather a great way to begin a dialogue
with your daughter about her problems and concerns. Instead
of once again feeling criticized, she'll feel that you're
interested in her concerns. Reading and discussing these items
together is a good beginning.
Learn all you can about ADD (ADHD) in girls and how you
can help your daughter.
Understanding
Girls with AD/HD by Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D., Ellen Littman,
Ph.D., and Patricia Quinn, M.D. is the first and only book
that focuses exclusively on the issues of girls. Because girls
are less likely to stand out and less likely to demonstrate
difficult classroom behavior, few educators and mental health
professionals understand the painful struggles experienced
by girls with ADHD.
Sadly, many girls with ADD (ADHD) never receive diagnosis
and much-needed treatment. Many professionals believe that
girls are less impacted by ADD (ADHD), and are unaware of
the very real risks for girls with untreated ADD (ADHD) -
including chronic demoralization, anxiety, depression, underachievement,
teen pregnancy, cigarette addiction, and substance abuse.
The good news is that ADD (ADHD) is a highly treatable condition.
Talking with your daughter about her worries is the first
step to getting her the help and support she needs. The earlier
that a girl with ADD (ADHD) receives the help and support
that she needs, the more likely she is to function well at
home, with her friends, and at school, allowing her to live
up to her potential.
Resources for parents of girls with ADD (ADHD):
Understanding
Girls with AD/HD by Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D., Ellen Littman,
Ph.D. and Patricia Quinn, M.D. provides information, parent
checklists, and ways that parents can help their daughters
with ADHD from preschool years through high school years.
The Adventures
of Phoebe Flower is a four-book series is suitable for
girls ages 8-11 that provides girls with a realistic, but
positive image of a girl with ADD (ADHD).
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